I rarely, these days, tell anyone what is going on for me personally, in my day-to-day life. I write about it, sure, I’m a writer. At work, in my daily life, with friends, I tend to keep things light, superficial, and I don’t ‘go there’ when it comes to the ‘how are you feeling?’ question.
No, I don’t have intimacy issues, nor am I dissociated – I am wise.
I have in the past been the opposite – an over sharer.
OMG – the over sharing!
Yesterday, I broke my ‘keep people at arms’ length’ rule.
A colleague in work said ‘you don’t seem your usual self, you’re quieter than usual, what’s up?’
I told him what’s up.
Briefly, unemotionally, non-asking for help, non-moaning – just told him, in about ten seconds.
‘Ugh’
‘Ah’
‘breathing sounds’
I can’t quite capture the reaction to tell you in words, soz, but it was encapsulated by his unenthused look back down to his laptop with disinterest. His sound was a kinda grunt, a kinda acknowledgement of what I had said, but really: it was more a dismissal.
I knew, absolutely, that it was nothing personal. He. Just. Wasn’t. Interested.
So why ask?
I don’t tend to do it then – the disingenuous, even if not deliberate – faux concern as to my wellbeing.
I also don’t do traditional grammar.
You might have noticed.
There was nothing personal about my disclosure, nothing dramatic…. And his response non-response was:
Disinterest.
This is in the main why I save my sharing for my page.
My blog.
My note pad.
My heart.
I share with me, you and the online world.
I share with the wider world in my books, articles, essays and genius.
Why?
So that I don’t get ‘that’ feeling.
That ‘hmmm yeah… this is why I don’t share with humans!’ feeling.
That, ‘oh I do wish people really cared about people’ sadness
That ‘why the F did you F-ing ASK me then???’ anger.
You know?
So, yeah, I keep them at arms’ length.
All them them.
The further away: the better.
I’m gonna end with a bomb:
Selfishness is the poison that contaminates our planet.
Let’s not be that contaminant.
In Love,
Badass xx
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