MVC The Next Chapter

I was having a breakdown,

I kinda knew I was having a breakdown,

And I didn’t.

I did know that my life was imploding and I also knew that I am a writer.

So I wrote.

I wrote about how my financial life had collapsed

I wrote about how I was about to lose my home

I wrote about my mental health diagnosis

I wrote, wrote, wrote.

I thought, at the time, that people would judge.

I was wrong.

It was here, on wordpress.com that I spilled my heart out.

I remember a woman from, I think, Canada, sending me a voice note/song of a friend of her’s daughter, singing.

I can remember it now, the tone, the pace, the words: ‘you’ll be fine… just breathe’ in a girl-child’s sweet healing innocent voice -repeated over and over again.

That song saved my life. That lady, her blog, another lady, her blog, her private email – all saved my life. They kept me breathing.

That’s all we need, you know, when things get really, really bad: is to remember to breathe.

The rest will come.

I am living proof.

Now, I am home.

I am surprised, so very very surprised, at my emotional reaction to a website and all that goes with it.

I have dabbled with Medium and Substack, I say dabbled, my Substack has been there for over a year. Nothing, though, felt like home.

I had forgotten all about WordPress, my recovery blog is long gone, I can’t even remember what I did with it.

Things got really bad for a few years and my writing moved from online to a couple of books. My treatment shifted from therapy and medication to getting a little job, caring for others, caring for myself.

The whole process has taken twelve years.

Twelve years!

My ego wants to tell you ‘after the breakdown, with support and treatment, I have recovered, I am living the dream!’

I don’t think you ever fully recover from a breakdown.

Sorry if you are looking for good news.

There is though, good news:

I have learned Alchemy.

I Alchemise with my writing (sitting still within the words), I Alchemise with meditation and sitting still physically, I Alchemise by talking very honestly, I Alchemise by movement and dance, I Alchemise by conversation, I Alchemise so much that I (when I remember) value it so much I use a capital ‘A’.

Alchemy is…. Being who you are, friend.

So back to WordPress and the blog, this blog and my previous blog. I have been here a mere few days (it will be weeks by the time you read this) and already I have this warm feeling inside.

I could go fluffy – community, connection, a sense of returning to my home and my centre.

These are all true.

There is something else though, that brings about this warm feeling.

Alchemy.

Would you like to do this together?

You are very welcome here.

In Love,

Matt xx

PS I forgot to mention. Alchemy is not perfect. It’s messy. So any hint of, self-judgement or whisper of the pressure of perfection… please drop it. Let’s get messy. xx