MVC The Next Chapter

Unlearning the belief that I was the problem, one safe environment at a time.

I used to think that being alone was the weaker choice. Looking back now at my former self—the self that hadn’t yet become as battered and bruised as I am today—I find it hilarious how I thought there was something wrong with me for being alone.

I assumed they all left because I was toxic, damaged, infectious.
I thought that ‘they’ over there—the couples, the ones with huge families—must have done something truly wonderful to deserve that.

Which, of course, meant that I must have done something awful to end up alone.

For the past three years, I’ve been in a different job. Still in social care, but with a supportive company.

Even now, I stay in fight-or-flight mode. I wait for ‘the thing’—the colleague whispering, “Let’s go to this staff do, don’t invite him.” I keep an eye on the exit, bracing for “She’s on her way and she doesn’t like you” to come strutting through the door. I keep waiting to feel like I don’t fit.

But instead, I get:
“You’ve done some great work today, thank you.”
“I love working with you, there’s always a good vibe.”
“I know I can trust you.”
“Yeah, you’ll be fine—you know your stuff.”
“We have a promotion going… do you want it?”

WHAT? Me?? Really?

As the years go on and the rejection doesn’t happen, I’ve started to wonder… if… perhaps… maybe… it was the environment that was toxic.

Not me.

When I say environment, yes, I’m talking about my last employer. I was bullied, cajoled, harassed, and hated—for whistleblowing, for fighting for the marginalized while the entitled staff running the show ran human beings into the ground. I left with no money (the pay was shit) and actual PTSD.

But I’m also talking about all the other environments where I thought I had failed.

No… actually: the environments failed ME.

Home. School. University. Workplace 1. Workplace 2. The council estate. Workplace 3. The housing association estate.

Workplace… you get the idea.

Can it be that at 53 (ooh, that rhymes), I’m finally facing myself in environments that don’t think I’m the problem?

My environments now are:

• My body
• My mind
• My home
• My workplace
• My friends

And no… I don’t buy into the New Age crap that everything has to start within ourselves. That works in theory. But if you’re a baby sitting on the cold, hard floor of a council house watching your mum get the shit beaten out of her… good luck with that one.

Our basic environments—home, school, safety—need to be stable right from the start for our internal environments (our bodies and minds) to even begin to flourish.
If you didn’t have those to start with, it’s going to take a while.

BIG love to all who didn’t have the environment…

Moi xx