MVC The Next Chapter

I am approaching the start of my new University course,

A Bachelor’s in Criminology and Psychology. I have already done one module, and passed with exceptional grades… but I also failed two modules, because I didn’t submit the final assessments.

One was due to an insane tutor the other, after the insane tutor, due to….

A completely and absolutely overstimulated burnt out nervous system that simply couldn’t carry on.

In real terms, I have lost a year of study, but the ‘failures’ have actually encouraged me to pivot away from what was purely psychology to now a combined subject that has filled me with excitement and motivation.

This summer, after I realised I had ‘failed’ but very quickly pivoted, and secured the funding and fee transfers (stress relieved from that) I did something really weird.

I slept.

A lot.

I also did something else really weird,

I potted plants.

A lot.

After I potted the plants, slept (and slept) I did something else kinda new, I watched black and white films.

Then I did something else (stay with me, there’s a point) that part of me thought was weird, the other part of me, well, grab a chair we’ll get to that…

I sat on the sofa and cried, cried, cried and cried some more. For about a week. On and off, obviously.

The weird part of this is that I was not even slightly distressed or overwhelmed or even depressed – I just couldn’t stop crying.

And I didn’t try to stop.

I let it happen.

Then I was watching a YouTube that was talking about how the nervous system isn’t the only biological aspect of stress and PTSD (something I have experienced, and, indeed many of us do), but that the brain itself, aspects within the brain (I’m keeping it simple dunna worry) and even our actual muscles – store memories.

Memories.

So the insane tutor, was an event in real-time blocking my needed extensions (why I didn’t submit the assessments) but, but, but: my muscles memories were screaming:

‘You’re not safe’.

But: subliminally.

If it had been more conscious, more obvious, I think I would have come through it faster.

But it wasn’t.

It was lurking within the hidden corners of my brain chemistry, my muscles, my nervous system and my mind.

Now back to sleeping.

Back to potting.

Back to watching black and white movies (back-to-back)

And a return to a really good cry: when we need one.

Oh, the thing I had wished I’d known sooner? The biological. The psychological. The muscle memory.

For the simple reason, if I had known that… back then… back when I started Uni… back when I started work all these years ago… back when I though there was something seriously wrong with me… I would have been a whole lot easier upon myself.

That’s all.

In Love,

IAmMattVC xx