MVC The Next Chapter

I have a tendency of keeping other people at arms’ length. I thought, for a time, that I had intimacy and commitment issues. I thought I had trust issues.

I have been having talking therapy for a year now and as the time has progressed, I have experienced eureka, after eureka, after eureka.

I have become the most self-reflective I have ever been.

What has been missing, which has surprised me, is the past guilt, shame and self-judgement. I look at myself now with a degree of amazement and wonder. Often the same phrase breezes passed my consciousness, kissing my memories with a sense of pride: ‘how, the hell: are you still alive?’

With this increased and expanded awareness, I also recall the many times I have:

Trusted the wrong people.

My mum (no offence luv), my dad (you’re a twat, not quite at the forgiveness stage, soz), my friends (most of them), my teachers, partners…

The list continues.

So… as I have become older, wiser and stronger – I have stopped trusting anyone.

Except myself.

I am aware of the distance between myself and others but I see it in a different way now. In my last job, in mental health services, I again trusted the wrong people – my boss piled too much on me, the clients waited for me to come on shift (because they trusted me), so in a nutshell – I trusted, was trusted – and burnt out.

Big time.

I knew this, but now I see it very differently. It wasn’t as simple as, I’m good at my job, I’m empathic, sensitive – so buckled under the pressure.

It was more – my wounded inner child was so busy people pleasing that he trusted the parent figures (bosses and colleagues) who, just like in childhood – weren’t up to the job.

So… again… he (the child) trusted the wrong people.

I (the grown-up) gotta own that and own up (to myself).

I only have myself to blame. I only have myself, therefore, to hold accountable.

Not in a judgy way – no – in a grown-up way – it is my choice to trust those who bend and mismanage – it is my choice to lean on people who I know damn well will snap under the pressure.

It is up to me to keep myself upright by:

1. Choosing a work environment that is better for me (done!)
2. Choosing a home environment on my own that I can afford and is safer than past choices (done!)
3. Have regular support, even if I have to pay for it (done!)
4. Do my best to create more income, security and this in turn will help to regulate my nervous system (doing it!)

When I deviate from this, when I share too much with folks who either hit me with negative views and opinions (trying to control), or if I accidentally start to lean too much on a weaker person – sorry I know it sounds awful to describe it this way but I don’t have any other words for it – then I again notice my wounded inner child starting to:

Play the victim.

‘That person said this negative thing to me, he/she said they would, and didn’t’ blah blah blah.

Again – not their fault.

My fault.

Because I knew damn well. To stop listening to them:

And start listening to me.

For whoever needs to hear that…

In Love,

Matt VC x